Rebooting My Mind

“It is only in modern times that the dream, this fleeting and insignificant looking product of the psyche, has met with such profound contempt. Formerly it was esteemed as a harbinger of fate, a portent and comforter, a messenger of the gods. Now we see it as the emissary of the unconscious, whose task it is to reveal the secrets that are hidden from the conscious mind, and this it does with astounding completeness.

Carl Jung, Two Essays on Analytical Psychology

Dreamland

I had a dream, not Martin Luther King’s although I share his aspiration. This was a nighttime dream bordering on nightmare nourished by the anxieties of life occupying my brain space.

My friends of similar political persuasion share an alarming sense of fear. The world is swiftly rolling towards authoritarianism which, in my limited study of history, isn’t pretty. Fear appears in hate speech and hoarding and nonstop news irritating spiritual and emotional wounds. Then there are the personal issues: where should we go? Will the kids be okay? How long do I have? Where is my d!@# phone?

For several nights my dreams were harsh, as if my brain needed major rebooting. This particular dream appeared in three acts:

Act I

Amidst a crowd of people, family and friends, my sister announces to me that baby Hess was born. My expression of confusion triggered her ‘I know more than my big sister’ tone: Didn’t you know that B [our niece-in-law] was pregnant?

Me, my brain reaching, did I know?: Yes I knew, but you said Hess.

Sis: I meant B. They named her [a beautiful name which did not survive awakening]. They are planning her wedding.

Me: Wedding?

Sis: Yes, they have arranged it with another baby.

Me: Is that even legal?

Big Bro, grandfather of said babe, in his professorial tone: Yes, I think it is.

Me: Okay, well, when is this?

Sis: After Mary Ann does the autopsy.

I try to wrap my head around, first, why autopsy, and then, why Mary Ann, a great aunt of the baby and retired German teacher.

Sis, in her “you should know” voice: Yes, the baby died.

In my mind: But they are still planning a wedding?

Act II

Outside, the threat to democracy is moving in amidst a pandemic. I am working/volunteering in a shop crowded with knick-knacks when a red-headed toddler toddles past. Seeing no parents, I pick her up and walk the shop until a red-headed couple enters with a red-headed infant and claim her. During our pleasant conversation, another employee comes over with a dark-haired toddler, also parentless.

I take little dark-hair and jump into my car, a late 60s Oldsmobile Delta, [our actual first car, a roomy gas guzzler] and drive around looking for help for this child. The streets are empty, people burrowing indoors  for health and safety. I search for a pay phone to call the police. A phone booth appears on a residential street, but I struggle to park the car, the brakes not working. Somehow I get to the phone, toddler in arms, but cannot complete the call. I return to the shop.

Now another child is wandering. These children are happy, showing no fear. I reach for my purse which is now empty of its wallet and cell phone. Panicking, I search the store.

Act III

Mike and I are sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor of what appears to be a storage room. During the night, I awaken to see a bobcat roaming in. Luna our dog, observes from the couch with no reaction. I wake Mike as the bobcat strolls over to me, sniffing but not threatening. The red-headed child returns.  

*Apologies to B and Mary Ann. I had no control over the casting.

I often recall dreams. I also try to recall dreams, grasping images as I awaken before they disappear. It takes practice and doesn’t always work, but the few I remember are dramatic. Some are nonsense, but others reveal the power of the mind, the anger, joy, or anxiety in the dream reverberating in my body in the morning.

It isn’t difficult for me to identify the emotions behind the scenes in this recorded dream and the real-life conditions providing the settings. The dream gave me no solutions but revealed to me the depth of uncertainty in many areas of my life. I admit, though, that I woke with an assurance that I could handle these times, that difficulties may not be avoided but with patience and calm I will survive. Dreams can be bizarre, funny, and totally meaningless. But they can clean our minds and help us acknowledge our fears. I envision thousands of brain cells rearranging as I sleep, unclogging neural pathways to help me face the challenges of life.

Sleep tight.