Final Wishes

How Do You Really Feel About Your Loved Ones?

Ready to write?

It was a party, complete with appetizers, wine and beer. About a dozen friends relaxed in our living room on a Sunday afternoon to talk about the end of life. My friend Karen from Camino del Sol Funeral Chapel and Crematorium suggested the get-together to encourage people to plan for their demise. What surprised all of us was the number of questions leading to a two-hour discussion.

It is puzzling that people refuse to write a will or sign end-of-life documents, choosing to leave a mess for their so-called loved ones, so-called because if they really loved them, wouldn’t they want to ease the sorrow of their passing? Workers in health care and places of worship, and probably funeral homes, too often witness a long-lost relative appearing and taking control at the time of death. The close friends and family, ensconced in grief, acquiesce or get pushed aside, creating ill-feelings slow to heal, if ever.

“That won’t happen in my family,” you say. Beep! It will. Death triggers unpredictable reactions. I urge you to plan ahead. There are many end-of-life kits online. Click here for one from the Fresh Water Trust. Camino del Sol, like many funeral homes, has a prepayment, pre-planning option. Ask your favorite mortician about one near you.

And here is an exercise for you to do right now. Go get a piece of paper or a computer. I will wait.

[Cue Jeopardy theme song]     

Okay, now write your obituary. Oooh, I felt the alarm. But stay with me.

If you are still in the prime of life, writing your own obituary can refocus your intentions, rethink your goals, redirect your path minimizing later regrets. The obituary to be shared when you go up to that spirit in the sky celebrates the choices you made in life. It also honors those most important to you and not the long-lost third cousin twice removed who sweeps in to claim control. The beauty of writing it yourself is that until the point of death, you can rewrite it to honor the long-lost cousin who reconnected and shared many good years.

Although there is nothing legal or binding in an obituary, it has the power to spark hurt and divide families by ignoring what is important to those closest to the dearly departed. The obituary is the public notice of your legacy and devotion to your loved ones. Completing final wishes paperwork, including your obituary, is your way of controlling your life to the end and leaving peace among the survivors.

There are many online guides for writing an obituary. Click here for one from Legacy. When you finish, share it with those most affected by your life and death. Ask for insights. Everyone may be surprised.  

When my mother was on her deathbed, we asked her to consent to cremation, to ease the move from Arizona to Illinois. She hesitated. “What makes you uncomfortable?” I asked. Never one to miss a party, her reply: I want to be there. We honored her wish by holding the open-casket wake, closed-casket funeral, then cremation.

Which is my segue into this point: funerals and post-death celebrations are ABOUT you but not FOR you. Decreeing no services, no obituaries, no celebration dishonors the needs of the survivors. You are dead. Let them party or mourn as suits them.

AND, if you have ignored someone for a significant length of time, DO NOT, I say, DO NOT appear at the time of death and claim rights of control. It is most unbecoming.